They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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