i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
