For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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