Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
whose ass print is on the piano?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
