he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Drunk is not a location!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
