they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
