I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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