Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
