Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
