Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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