question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
