So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
