I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
