We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
