you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
