I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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