Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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