In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
