the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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