I should be sponsored by Trojan
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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