two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
