I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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