I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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