just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
