pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
