If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
