Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
