When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
