i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I don't deserve a penis
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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