Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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