She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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