**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
