I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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