i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
