but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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