she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize