I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
