Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
