what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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