the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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