I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
