I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
