Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
