My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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