someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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