And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
