Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
