Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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