Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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