I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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