everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
