Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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