not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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