Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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