she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
