Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
