Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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