I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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