I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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