God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
