I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
